Saving Myself
by KTmac09
Summary: Would Lindsay be able to save herself from him? 4.16 Post-ep


**Disclaimer**: I do not own the characters of CSI: NY. They all belong to CBS (which I'm sorry for at the moment).

**A/N**: My first post-ep story. _Spoilers for 4.16_: _Right Next Door_

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**SAVING MYSELF  
**

**-**

You couldn't help the warm stir that coursed through your veins as you take in your familiar surroundings. It felt so domestic. So perfect. So right.

To you, everything seemed routine, like you've been here all your life and you can't help but wonder what has changed.

Turning to face him, you suddenly realize _who_ has changed and you couldn't help the deep pang of pain gnaw at your heart as you reminded yourself of his confession of infidelity. You watch him, his shoulders slumped, gazing at you, looking defeated and you suddenly realize what he'd done to convince you to come to his place. You held his gaze and mentally prepared yourself for the emotional turmoil that was sure to hit you.

Then he began to speak.

You couldn't listen. You wanted to, but you couldn't. Your eyes silently follow his grief-stricken form, pacing back and forth, gesturing wildly, as if that in itself will chase away all the demons that has hovered over the both of you.

You hear him say something about comfort...

...meaningless...

...Rikki...

...sex.

You couldn't exactly pinpoint what he was trying to tell you, but the word meaningless just jumped at you.

Meaningless? If he came to Rikki for meaningless comfort sex, then who or what were you to him, the girlfriend he didn't run to at a time of his greatest need.

This realization hits you like a blow to your chest; shattering your heart into a million fragments.

Feeling the familiar stinging in your eyes, you desperately willed yourself not to cry as you adamantly fought the smothering sense of worthlessness. And somehow, you manage to keep yourself together, if, for just a few more seconds.

You can feel yourself becoming more vulnerable, breaking down, giving in. But determinedly, you held on to the remains of your emotional barrcade.

Looking into his eyes became too much to bear, and as you look down, you see your hands, clasped tightly in his and you wonder how he'd gotten a hold of you.

You can sense his breaking point and you know he can sense yours. You feel him inch closer to you, until you can feel his breath fanning your cheeks, his voice low enough so only you can hear. Hear him say how much he loves you, how much he needs you, how painful it would be if he lost you.

You can feel your guard slowly slipping from your grasp, a lone tear softly cascading down your cheek, and his gentle lips softly caressing yours. And for the first time, in a long time, you feel bliss. As if there isn't anything in this world that your love for him couldn't conquer.

You feel his hands slowly slide along the side of your waist, up, to graze the side of your breasts and you feel yourself shiver. Not the usual blissful shiver he elicits from you. But rather, one that harshly jolts you back to reality.

The thought of him making another woman shiver, much in the same way you had a moment ago, gave you the strength to gather your emotional munitions. Cursing yourself for being so weak, you push him away, as best you could, but he was stubborn, refusing to move back the entire way, his hands refusing to let yours go.

An overwhelming amount of tears spill over your cheeks, landing on his hand still firmly clasping yours. You can feel him hesitantly reach and try to wipe away the pain. But you wouldn't let him. You snap your head back, far from his reach and you close your eyes. You couldn't look at him right now. You don't want to think about him right now.

You couldn't stand the thought of him wooing you because of his infidelity.

You pull your hands from his, roughly, almost knocking him out in the process and you grab your things. You decide to take a quick retreat, because you knew that if you didn't, it would simply be one final push on his part and you'll be his to take once again.

You run towards the door, without looking back, and for the life of you, you couldn't turn the knob in the proper direction.

You hear shuffling behind you and the next moment, you can hear him march towards you.

Feeling helpless, you lean your forehead against the door, your hand never leaving the knob, your tears at a constant stream on your cheeks.

You can feel him behind you. Close enough to let you know he needs you, yet far enough to give you the space you need to leave him behind.

You feel him giving up, you can feel him letting you go. But what you really wanted was for him to save you, like he did Rikki.

His hands clasped yours turning the knob, but keeping the door closed, giving you the opportunity to make your decision; whether to run, or stay.

His lips hovered on your ear, begging. His voice hoarse from the tears he had shed. He wanted you to save him, but you tell him you can't.

You tell him he's changed.

You tell him this changed man wasn't yours to save.

With one last pull, the door opened and you feel yourself able to breathe again. Walking out on him was the hardest thing you've ever had to do. But you know that it must be done.

Hearing the clink of your heels against the tiled floor, you can't help but wonder how long it'll take him to get through to you.

You know it's bound to happen.

You know you need him too much to keep the distance between the two of you.

You know you love him too much to let the feeling of empowerment override your heart.

You know he's the only who can save you.

You know you're the only one who can save him.

And you know there's nobody in the world who can save you from yourself.

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**A/N**: I realize Lindsay may have come off a bit weak in this story. Please don't hate me for that. I was just trying to portray her conflicting emotions when it comes to one scumbag. In fact, I have already given 100 of my support to _Team Lindsay!_

I would definitely love to hear your thoughts and/or comments.


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